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Going back to work after 12 days off is the best way to realize I should have married for money.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Listening to your wife is like reading the terms and conditions of a website. Sometimes you understand nothing, and still you say..."I Agree".....!
We spend 33% of our life sleeping, 33% wanting to be asleep and the rest apologizing to women.
*Knocks on door* Hey open up. You didn`t reply to my last 43 inbox messages & then you updated about a guy who keeps annoying you. You need help?
Candy Crushers keep inboxing me saying that they need "lives" as if I didn`t already know that.
Our neighbor said he wouldn`t mind me stealing their newspaper if I would at least put a robe on first.
You can`t control who comes into your life. But you can control which window you throw them out of.
Took my 3rd self-defense class, so if anyone feels like attacking me straight on, very slowly, w/ a fake knife in their right hand, BRING IT
Some people are too chipper early in the morning. They don`t realize how bad it is for their health.....until I`m choking them
In case I drink too much and pass out for a while, Merry Christmas you guys.
Of all the possible utensils that could have been invented to eat rice with... How did 2 sticks win out!?
One of the biggest decisions when you go to college is whether to join a fraternity or just be an asshole on your own.
Fact: You wish Facebook had the middle finger button.
If we all had to wear a warning label, what would yours say?