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I`ll never understand those people who say, "I mainly use facebook for my family." And I`m thinking to myself..."Umm...isn`t that what real life is for?"
I just saw someone by themselves not looking at a phone. Hope they`re ok.
I think my girlfriend’s hallucinating. She keeps telling me she’s seeing other people.
Sunglasses: I don’t want to make awkward eye contact with certain people.
"Baby on Board" Oh really? Thanks for letting me know. I was about to ram into your car but now I won`t.
If I had a dollar for everytime i thought of you, I would start thinking about you!
What do crickets hear when they have an awkward silence?
I am at the gym! Well, the parking lot. They have free wi-fi.
Never hire a color blind Bomb Technician.
Why doesn`t, "I have a headache!" work for when I don`t want to mow the yard?
I love sleep because its like a time machine to breakfast.
Sorry I missed your call. I was peeing and had both hands full.
There are no words to describe how I feel about you... Good thing God invented the middle finger.
Have you ever loved someone so much, you wanted to keep them hidden from the world and all to yourself? Well, apparently its called kidnapping
It`s always fun to act like you don`t see the person running to catch the elevator your in just as the door starts closing.