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I’m what you would call “indoorsy”
If you blow out the kid`s Birthday candles at enough parties, people will just stop inviting you to them.
Was sitting, doing nothing. Then I realized I could be sitting and doing nothing on Facebook. So here I am.
I find it ironic that it takes 12 steps to get a beer out of my fridge.
I don`t regret burning bridges. I regret that some people weren`t on those bridges when I burned them.
Look, if your cart is in the middle of the aisle and I need to get by, then yes, this is bumper cars.
Tonight, I`m bringing Sexy back! I just hope I don`t need a receipt...
I wish there was more BitStrips and photos of giraffes on my Facebook
It’s funny that old people need handicap parking spots but they always manage to pick up a penny off the ground.
I hate it when I put a status and you don`t like it,example this one.
When I get a call from an unknown number I answer by whispering: "It`s done, but there`s blood everywhere!"
I already want to take a nap tomorrow.
You say I’m not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I’m not cold, I’m hot. I know I’m hot. Thanks for embracing it.
Best Pregnancy T-Shirt… “9 Months Sober”
Friends are like condoms… they protect you when things get hard.