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I wonder what “don’t touch” is in Braille....
My friend named her female dog Karma... Karmas a bitch.
If people are what they eat, some people must eat a lot of stupid.
The thing about smart mother f*ckers is... They sound like crazy mother f*ckers to dumb mother f*ckers!
Coaster? You`re assuming I plan to put my drink down...
Drake isn`t even a rapper anymore. He`s an emotion, like "how are you doing today?" "idk im feeling kinda drake though"
Admit it, you have that one voice that you only use on animals and babies.
I just saw a woman getting into a car the wrong way ... Through the driver’s door.
I really like that machine at the gym where you put money into it and snacks come out.
Cars should come with two horns: one that’s like “Hey guys!” & another that’s like “I will end you!”
30 seconds left on the microwave ~ Women: set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone ~ Men: do the space shuttle countdown
Right now my glass is half empty...Hey Bartender!!!
I love Ebay. Sold my homing pigeon 8 times last month.
It`s 2013. With all the hormones in food and advances in medical technology, why are there still girls with less than C cup boobs?
What I lack in vocabulary, I make up for in…you know...stuff...and...things...