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It just dawned on me why Mayberry was so peaceful and quit, cause nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Ernest T Bass, The Darlins, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara. The only one married was Otis, and he stayed drunk!
My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" ... I sent it anyways.
I left work in slow motion but it didn’t blow up behind me.
The best thing about telepathy is…I know, right?
I just can`t seem to get a girlfriend even though I can speak two languages fluently. English and Klingon.
Sometimes Google should just come back with a message that says "trust me, you don`t want to know."
I`m pretty sure my Internet Explorer “error reports” end up the same place my letters to Santa do.
The awkward moment when you’re that one friend who always gives relationship advice but is still single.
I`m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
If you stand by the sea, it sounds like putting a shell to your ear.
You call it free samples, I call it a free all you can eat buffet.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like `responsibility`
If offering people gum is cooking, then yes, I cook.
Did you ever wonder why the cat was in the bag in the first place?
The Titanic is a great lesson of why just the tip can get you in a lot of trouble.