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Hot Pockets: For when you want every bite to be a different temperature.
Advantage #46 of being single. I have entire closets that are completely empty.
Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push
It`s a little disappointing when you`re watching a school basket ball game & no one turns into a werewolf.
Went into a five-star hotel to use the bathroom and now it`s a two-star hotel.
This oatmeal tastes like I`m gonna need a doughnut.
My wife asked about my wildest sex fantasy, but she got pissed when I told her. I probably shouldn’t have started w/ “After your funeral...”
Gotta thin the herd. – me eating animal crackers
No means no! Unless she`s dyslexic; then it`s on!
I`d like to thanks all the girls for wearing yoga pants. It is the only reason why we`re not complaining about how cold this winter it
A bird in the hand is the best way to eat chicken.
I put on real clothes today. What more do you want from me?
Sometimes my brain is like the bermuda triangle...Information goes in then it`s never found again..
I will be thoroughly disappointed if the first human born on Mars isn’t named Marvin.
The only benefit of getting new clothes for Christmas is that I don`t have to do laundry for another week or two.