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The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Pick any number. Multiply it by two. Now add 12 to it. Divide it by 3. Now change it to 10. That`s how many seconds you just wasted.
I’ve been in this McDonald’s restroom for over an hour, waiting for an employee to wash my hands.
Whoever is in charge of making sure I don´t do dumb stuff is fired.
Someone needs to take a chain saw to your family tree.
“Check that sh!t out” luckily rarely refers to actual sh!t.
Just noticed there`s no comma in "Bed Bath & Beyond" and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
My religious preference, is for you to steer clear of me with yours.
Just so you know, I am already planning on being an a$$hole tomorrow.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
When you are dead, you don`t know you are dead but other people do. The same is true when you are stupid.
If you are alone and feeling lonely, fart. Someone always walks in after you fart.
Give a man a fish and he`ll go to McDonald`s instead. Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald`s
As I get older, I`ve learned to relax and not stress over trivial matters. Just kidding, I`m drunk.
At my age, my biggest fantasy is to sleep through the night without having to pee every two hours.