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I don`t care about your status...
Life is never more confusing than when three people get together to order one pizza.
I need professional help. A chef and a butler will do just fine.
Most of you like waking up in the morning to see the "comments" and "likes" that your status received. I like waking up in the morning to see WTF I posted!
Day 1-365: I am thankful for Veterans.
why were you in my dreams again? i`m starting to think you`re stalking me.
Happy Fathers Day from your handsomerist and smarterist son
If it`s the thought that counts ... Then I should probably be in jail
She texted me: "Your adorable.". I replied: "No, you`re adorable." Now she thinks I like her. All I did was point out her typo!
I really hope my spirit animal is a bear because well I would love to hibernate all winter.
People say I`m too patronising (that means I treat them as if they`re stupid).
You know what’s funny? Lots of sh!t so lighten the f*ck up.
Hoping that Steve Harvey isn`t the one announcing the winning Powerball numbers tonight!
Would buy you a drink but I would be jealous of the glass.
Tarantulas are like cigarettes. They are pretty much harmless, until you put them in your mouth and light them on fire.