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I`ve just borrowed a book on surgery from my local library. Apparently someone`s taken the appendix out.
60% of women fake orgasm.. 100% of men don`t give a sh*t about it..
I asked my mom for money and she said "Does it look like I am made of money?" I said "Well isn`t that what M.O.M stands for?"
My greatest achievement today was writing this status.
Why was the cat in the bag in the first place?
If “too drunk to stand” is a yoga pose, then I’m nailing that one.
None of my friends laugh at any of my jokes because cats can only meow.
Q.Teacher: why do we drink water? A. Learner : Because we cant eat it!
Dora the explorer.... Y U NO GET GPS?
Every time I see an abandoned shoe on the highway it reminds me of some of the drunken nights we use to have.
Boobs are to men what light bulbs are to moths.
I just saw a 3D printer at the UPS store. It`s kind of cool, but I won`t be impressed until it can print snacks...
My therapist recommended I quit growling at people...
Don`t refer to them as voices in your head. Do as the professionals and call them your `team of writers`
My favorite in-laws are the ones that don`t exist.