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is about to stick a pin in your voodoo doll... brace yourself.
A sure fire way to lose an afternoon, is to help a friend out when he says "come on it will only take a half hour to fix"
The moment you stop giving a damn is the moment things get easier and better.
I bet the "YMCA" dance is a lot harder to do in different languages
Once your pants catch fire, the fact that you`re lying becomes less important.
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I`d be like "Sit your translucent a$$ down, I have a lot of questions!"
Figure it out people. It’s a 4-way stop sign not a woman.
I`m ready to regret having sex with you.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Always believe a woman when she says, "you don`t really wanna know"
I don`t understand why people want a relationship when there`s pizza.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as "man surprised his credit card was declined"
Whenever somebody said they did something "Like a Boss" I assume that they did nothing but took all the credit for it.
I always scratch off the "Plus One" option on wedding invitations are replace it with "Drinking for two"
Sorry I drunk dialed you at 10am.