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Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you`re a terrible person and had it coming.
Who do Walmart shoppers make fun of?
If you want your team to win a sporting event just tell me. I will root for the other team. That will guarantee a win for your team.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I`ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Miley Cyrus and Justin Beiber were both answers on Jeopardy tonight. The end is near........
I hate when you offer someone a sincere complement on their mustache...and then she won`t talk to you anymore.
If the waitress in the One Bell Pub is reading this can we please have our pudding now, cheers
Sea levels aren’t rising due to global warming. They are rising due to the increase in obesity. The continents are actually sinking…
just wanted to tell the weekend that I love you and I will be back, I will not let the weekdays take me away from you.
FYI: You can buy wedding cake even if there`s no wedding, those suckers don`t even check
They should make Vodka ChapStick
Within 2 minutes, I can gather enough things to allow me to sit and watch tv without getting up for at least 4 hours... Don`t question my laziness
I`m a nonviolent person until I see a spider. Then I turn into Al Capone and "I want him DEAD! I want his family DEAD! I want his house burned to the GROUND!
Why can`t we just change the spelling to fit the way it sounds: Bologna = Bolony Lasagna = lasania knife= nife tsunami = sunami politician = a$$hole
People say that I have no idea what hard work is. That`s not true! I know exactly what it is... How do you think I avoid it so easily?