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A sure fire way to lose an afternoon, is to help a friend out when he says "come on it will only take a half hour to fix"
It`s amazing what you`ll wear in public when you`re not trying to have sex with anyone.
If my superpower was to be able to stop time, I`d totally use it to take a nap without people noticing.
The human soul weights 1.2 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work.
April 1st is the absolute worst day to have a heart attack.
United should roll out Rodeo Rewards where you get paid based on how long you are able to stay on the plane when you are chosen to volunteer.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Children fill a void in your life that you never knew existed. And promptly destroy everything else.
If your wife asks you if you know where the broom is, it`s not a good idea to ask her if she is going somewhere.
I bet Snowmen think it`s weird that the ground is completely covered in their skin.
I was jogging earlier and...LMAO, I`m sorry...I can`t start a status with such ridiculousness.
Alcohol doesn’t make you fat… it makes you Lean… on tables, chairs & random ugly people.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
Just because I`m nodding my head at appropriate times while you`re talking doesn`t mean I give a sh!t about what you`re saying..
Why do they call it "Jew-ish"? Are they not Jew enough?