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Imagine being the sort of person who knows what every button on a TV remote does.
My next relationship will be with someone who thinks "Wine" is a perfectly acceptable answer when he asks what`s for dinner.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Yeah, you go ahead and climb that mountain "because it`s there", I am going to eat this Pizza "because it`s here"................................
You question whether you are getting old when your barber asks if your eyebrows need trimming, and you know it when he does it without asking
Remember, pretty much all of the “tough guys” you see on TV and movies were theater majors in college.
You haven`t really made it until people start using your name as a verb.
Don’t be upset that you’re single; be happy that someone isn’t ruining your life.
Checked my bank balance at the ATM and was happy to see I had 707 dollars in it until I realized I was holding the receipt upside down and it said LOL instead.
Who named the walkie talkie and why isn`t the vacuum called the pushy sucky?
*during sex,I suddenly stop moving* Her: What are you doing? Me: SHHHHH It`s ok...I saw this on Pornhub, It`s called Buffering!
M?o?n?, T?u?e?s?, W?e?d?, T?h?u?r?s?, Friday !!!!
Just because I’m smiling, doesn’t mean I don’t want to hit you in the face.
"YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?" I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Clearly if you have to blame yourself, you`re not hanging out with enough people.