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“Nevermind.” Translation: You should’ve listened the first time.
10 years from now: “Dad, how did you meet mom? Well, your mom had the hottest profile pic…so I had to friend request that.”
At what point in potty training do you give the child a toy smartphone?
I don`t know how many girls it takes to change a light bulb, but I guarantee we`d post pictures of us doing it on Facebook.
If you`re one in a million, there are more than 7,000 of you.
Checked a lot off my thought-about-doing-today list.
I was sitting in traffic the other day. That’s probably why I got run over.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
You know why it`s called almond milk? Cuz you can`t say nut juice with a straight face
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Don`t get out of bed, it`s a trap.
No cowboy in the world can out draw a grandmother pulling a baby picture out of her wallet.
Water is the most essential element of life, because without water, you can`t make coffee.
You can either wear granny panties OR yoga pants - not both. Pick one.