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I hope I never have to run for my life. It wouldn’t end well.
Exercise... the poor person`s plastic surgery
I can`t get the cork off my dinner.
That awkward moment when you realize this year is just going to be filled with morons talking about the end of the world the whole time.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Your mobile phone has more computing power than all of NASA in 1969. NASA launched a man to the moon. ...We launch a bird into pigs!
Ever update an app and realize the "fixed issues" were all a lie and it will never be the same? That`s what going back to an ex is like.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they`re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
If you’ve never pretended a Cheeto is a tiny caveman club, we can’t be friends.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn`t 3 hours long.
I`m in big trouble if my coworkers find out I don`t really have Tourette`s.
Funny word combinations :Clearly misunderstood, Exact estimate, Small crowd, Act naturally, Found missing, Fully empty and above all ... Happily Married
since when was it cool to have an iPhone at the age of 10.. i sincerely hope those parents know what they`ve done.
I`m one step away from being rich, all I need now is money.
The worst form of Alzheimer’s is when you walk out of the kitchen and forget to grab a beer.