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I know you people are crazy. I can spot my own kind a mile away.
So if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the “Jags” and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the “Bucs,” what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
I walked into a bar in my pirate suit and a ships wheel in my pants.... The bartender asked... "Why do you have a wheel in your pants"? I replied "Argh.. it`s driving me nuts".
I think my "check engine" light has finally burned out. So that`s good.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it`s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Farting isn`t ladylike? Well, neither is giving a blowjob, but I have never heard you complaining about that!
If you think someone is staring at you: 1. Yawn 2. If they yawn, they were staring.
Treasure the years with your children while they are still distracted by bubbles.
Money may not buy happiness but it can certainly improve the quality of your misery
I will pay good money to anyone who can take me from work, make it look like an abduction and tuck me back into bed.
You don`t need to use your words if you`re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Santa gets all the credit and I get all the debt.
Boyfriend: Why do you watch the Food Network it doesn’t make your cooking any better? Girlfriend: Why do you watch porn?
Who wants to go Smart Car Tipping?