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My horoscope started with `are you sitting down?`
You’re not really living if you don’t have an arch-nemesis.
I judge how safe an area is by the number of lit letters on the Waffle House sign.
The invention of the shovel must have been ground-breaking.
Went into a five-star hotel to use the bathroom and now it`s a two-star hotel.
My doctor is getting really tired of me asking if the stuff I see in commercials is right for me.
Dating a stripper is like eating a noisy bag of chips in church. Everyone looks at you in digust, but deep down inside they want some.
Some people have to learn lessons the hard way. Like with a bat. A bat is hard.
Hey Guys, I don’t have Instagram but I just wanted to let you know that I had oatmeal for breakfast. No sugar, mixed with water.
If I look tired at the end of the day, it`s because I just spent eight solid hours looking busy.
I know karate, jujitsu, judo, taekwondo and 28 other dangerous words. Still wanna` mess with me?
Zoning out is your brain’s way of saying “You look bored. Let me take you to a better place.”
What idiot called it a driver`s test and not a Game of Cones?
When I have a yard sale I play the theme song to Sanford & Son with a boombox on my porch.
I always found it a little counter productive when the teacher would say "Don`t get smart with me!"