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Decaf only works if you throw it on people.
96% of my life is spent trying to figure out when I can get my next nap in.
When I was a kid, I used to sing, `A, B, C,D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, ELEMENO, P`
I bet Batman`s cape gets stuck in the car door more times than he admits.
I hate it when I write a sarcastic Facebook status and someone who doesn’t speak sarcasm has to comment and ruin it.
Tip for women; All men really want is to be close to someone who will leave them the hell alone.
I can read Spanish, Chinese, Russian and Italian. As long as it`s written in english.
If I could time travel, I`d make sure the guy who made up the word Walkie-Talkie got to name more things.
Facebook.. reminds me a lot of high school. Full of alcohol, drugs, jealousy, sexual frustration and a bunch of boobs I`ll never get to touch.
You being crazy doesn`t bother me. It`s you being crazier than me...That makes me freakin` jealous.
I saved over $1000.00 on Black Friday. I stayed home and didn`t shop.
Somewhere the inventor of yoga pants is near death from all the high fives and non-stop free tequila shots he gets.
Whenever you feel nobody cares or loves you. You should ask yourself...Am I TOO sexy?
Kinda funny how the Mayans said we were all gonna die in 2012, but they all disappeared way before us.
Isn`t it weird that a vacuum cleaner isn`t something that is used to clean vacuums?