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Some call it alcoholism, I call it "keeping my emotions hydrated"
I tried stuff once. It was horrible.
Nothing says poor life choices like the guy with the half smoked cigarette behind his ear
*breaking news music plays* Last thought of the night: Why is now everyone talkin` bout "twerkin`"? Man, that shyt been `round since the days of Hammer pants and spandex shorts!!!!
Stop complaining about being single on Valentine`s Day. We have bigger problems in this world. Like why McDonald`s doesn`t serve breakfast after 10.30
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
So I ran into an old girlfriend who I dated who`s new boyfriend she was with looked exactly like me when I was seeing her. You know, miserable
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
you know you`ve been facebooking too much when you accidentally say "LOL", in person...
Me and the gummy bears have a plot to rule the world but shhhhh its a secret.
The girl at the Taco Bell drive thru gave me this “I know your high” look. I snatched my 37 crunchy tacos and got out of there.
I use these ( ... ) a lot. For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
When I was younger my dad showed me pictures of why to wear condoms during sex. The funny thing is, they were all pictures of me.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
The best part of being a kid is probably saying, f*ck it. I`m going to be Spider-Man today.