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If I like you, I’ll let you hold the TV remote when we watch TV. If I love you, I won’t take the batteries out of it beforehand.
Everyone around me keeps telling me I`m mean ... Which is absurd ... Plus, they`re ugly.
As a kid, i was afraid of the dark. Now as an adult, I love the dark because I am terrified of the electrical bill.
It was awkward when she said, "And yet your feet are so big."
Your boyfriend has long hair too. I sometimes have trouble figuring out who the girl is in the relationship.
I don’t need a reason to enjoy a little wine. All I need is a glass.
My pet unicorn told me that I was being delusional again. :/
Chase you? ... B!tch please, I don`t even chase my liquor.
I named my dog "5 Miles" so I can tell people, "I walk 5 Miles every day"
Nascar would be so more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.
You are not a "Food Blogger", you`re a "Fat a$$ with a laptop"
People ask me why I don`t have any tattoos and I respond with, would you put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari?
Life is tough. Put on your big girl panties and deal with it like the rest of us.
Asking me if I’m hungry, is like asking me if I like money.
I`m Outdoorsy, as in I like to get drunk and pass out in the yard....