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You seem to love cocktails... or part of it.
Me: "Why do all the people I love leave me?!" UPS Guy: "Please Mam, just sign"
So what if Jesus turned water into wine... I turned a whole student loan into beer once. your move Jesus.
It isn`t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would`ve been a better option.
I realized I eat too much fast food so I decided I would start cooking for myself. Does anyone here know how to "mcnugget" a chicken?
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
The only charities I`ve donated money too recently are covered in glitter and dance to bad music.
I think my problem is that I have really fantastic bad ideas…
Every selfie you post should come stamped with a number like a limited edition print. "Attempt 7 of 25".
Now that I think about it... Facebook became popular ever since I made an account.
Trying to untwist a twizzler is a real b*tch and this gas station cashier yelling at me isn`t helping.
According to the police, public masturbation is not considered a "street performance". Even if you have a hat on the ground on front of you.
ATMs should have built in breathalyzers. I would save so much money.
Just ate a sleeve of crackers on my wife`s side of the bed.. I`ll let you know...
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.