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Every day at work I wonder if this is going to be the day I accidentally scream "SHUT THE F*CK UP` out loud instead of just in my head.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that`s just science.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I`m camping, I won`t be covered.
I do procrastinate more than I should, but it always gives me something to do tomorrow...
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
I`m introducing a new calendar system: B.C. = Before Children. A.D. = After Divorce.
The doctors say im going to be ok. I must warn you the dyson ball cleaner has a very misleading name.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns ... It`s a play on words.
Holding up score cards during sex is not acceptable, apparently.
We look like we are being productive, but really, we are just talking sh!t about co-workers and how drunk we got last weekend.
If pi is 3.14, then I think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
If Santa doesn`t bring me something good I`m going to pee in his lap like I did when I was eight.
Laptop speakers, too quiet for music, too loud for porn.
My last boyfriend used to smile and say "I love you" to me every morning as he left for work. At least I think that`s what he was saying. It can be tricky to lip read through binoculars.
I would love to kill you with kindness, but all I have is this knife.