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In my head I sound like the Queen of England bitches!
Happy Labor Day to someone who barely labored this year.
I wonder how many people`s phones out there have my name saved in contacts as "DO NOT ANSWER"
I know they didn`t ask for it, but I sent a stool sample in with my tax returns.
The secret to success is in my bra.
Why are people with BAD breath always wanting to tell me a secret?
Called AA by mistake. Those drunks can`t change a tire for sh*t.
My superpower is getting behind the person who is obviously refinancing their mortgage at the ATM.
Maybe, just once, someone will call me "Sir" without adding, "You`re making a scene."
My house is not messy. Those are just obstacles I`ve put in place for burglars.
Get ahead of myself. Sometimes I
If you find a four-leaf clover it means you have entirely too much time on your hands.
My mind is like "LETS DO THIS SH!T" but my body is like "calm down motherf*cker"
I don`t know why it`s necessary to get a glass dirty, when wine tastes perfectly fine straight out of the bottle.
I don’t know who or what is doing it, but one day I will find the thing that continues to steal one sock and destroy it.