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Nipples: Nature`s thermometer.
I have many thoughts. I just can´t remember any of them.
If a girl can kick your a$$ at video games, she’s a keeper.
You really understand how drunk you are when you`re peeing...
Sarcasm is just one of the many services I offer to people who ask stupid questions.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Q: What do you call apple-flavoured marijuana? A: iPot
Today`s society is a good example of what happens when you let the clowns run the circus.
I`ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Let`s be honest. If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made cows faster.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I`m pretty sure she`ll figure out that I`m just after my money
A mosquito landed on my balls... Hardest decision of my life.
I tried sniffing coke once but the ice cubes kept getting sucked in my nose!
I google myself sometimes just to know what the hell I`m up to. ;)
Surprise your wife today. Sell all her shoes and buy something nice for yourself.