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What do you call a guy who makes "Woman in the Kitchen" jokes? Single.
Growing up is when you go from using drugs for fun to using drugs for survival.
A beautiful woman could post "My dog just died" and she would get replies like "Well, I`m not dead ;)"
My sister told me I was not allowed to babysit anymore. Apparently the baby monitor is not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby`s ankle.
I wonder how many strangers have stories about me.
You and I are just different. And by different I mean you`re stupid.
I’m exhausted just thinking of everything I have to do.
I’m going to start responding to videos people post of their babies on Facebook with videos of me getting nine hours of sleep.
Cleavage is like the sun. You can look, but don’t stare.. Unless you’re wearing sunglasses.
I haven`t crunched all the numbers, but early calculations show that a large percentage of people don`t care what you think.
Why do we only crave what`s bad for us? Alcohol, deep fried food, sex with strangers. You never hear anyone say "I`d kill for some salad"
If I drove a UPS truck there’s a 100% chance I would fall out of the truck when I turned corners.
You ever wonder why wearing no underwear is called “going commando”? It seems to me it wouldn’t be useful in a combat situation.
If the zombie apocalypse happened in Vegas…would it “stay in Vegas”?
If i had a dollar for everytime i was thinking about you, i would start thinking about you.