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I know I have a long way to go but look at how far I`ve come.
once a homeless guy said to me `Hey you got a dollar` and I said `wow your absolutely right..with psychic powers like that I`m surprised your still homeless` got in my car and left..
I`ll bet other dogs must think that poodles belong to some weird religious cult.
There are a few people I`d like to go to bed with but I can`t think of a single person I`d like to wake up with.
Every so often I’ll listen to my wife talk non stop for hours at a time, to remind myself why people wander into traffic without looking.
If you think I wrote this status update in the nude, you`re wrong. I`m wearing a sombrero and a candy necklace.
What’s a drunken pirates worst nightmare? A sunken booty with no chest.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
times new roman walks into a bar. "sorry, we don`t serve your type."
Why did they send me to this white room? Do they think I`m crazy? Do they think I`m ...HOLY CRAP THE WALLS ARE FLUFFY!!!
People are like slinkeys; they don’t really serve a purpose, but you can’t help but laugh when one of them falls down the stairs.
It`s always darkest before the dawn. So if you`re going steal your neighbor`s newspaper that`s be the time to do it.
I wish I was full of tacos instead of feelings.
When I see a girl with too much makeup, I just want to use my finger to write "Wash Me" on her face.
Chillin: the art of doing nothing without being bored.