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If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday - it`s because they`ve just killed someone right?
Please don`t wear skinny jeans if you don`t have skinny genes.
Once I made a belt out of watches. It was a waist of time.
Anyone else ever thought about farting into one of those plastic cylinders at the bank drive-thru?
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Why does the girl in the Wendy`s commercials have Ronald McDonalds hair?
Last night we were in bed and I asked my wife "What would you like to do to my body more than anything else?" She said "Identify it."
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more North.
There is no better indication of how drunk you are than how loudly you declare that you`re not.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
A "long story" is just a short story that no one wants to tell.
I’ve already decided, if I ever go to The Price Is Right, I’m gonna “come on down” whether they call my name or not.
That awkward moment when u start telling a story only to realise no one is listening so you slowly fade out and pretend to have said nothing.
Good things come to those who wait ... Which explains why I`m always late.
My life is a very complicated drinking game