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Pepsi and Coke can`t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Sorry I’m cranky. I didn’t get my nap in today.
"Please don`t put a million dumb photos of me on your Facebook... it just annoys your friends" - Every baby
What if every time a song pops into your head, it’s really just your brain intercepting one of the bajillion radio signals bouncing around you?
If you really loved your kids, you would teach them to say their alphabet forwards AND backwards. They`ll thank you later.
Maybe it`s inappropriate for the first date but if there`s a maze on the menu I`m asking for crayons.
My girlfriend called me lazy the other day. I almost responded.
Being a camera must be pretty cool. You get to sleep until there`s something cool to see.
my entire life is a "had to be there" moment
I want to live in a world where the Food Network delivers.
I`m so broke right now if anybody robbed me they`d just be practicing
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I`d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
I could scroll down my Facebook page and write a country song!!
Gardening is awesome because it is one of the only ways a normal person can be persuaded into buying actual bags of poop.