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Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Best thing about being single… -no drama -no fighting -no crying -no feelings -no confusion -no worries -no PROBLEMS!
So vegetarians eat vegetables... I think I`m going to play it safe and avoid humanitarians.
I think I will start calling my wife "My Customer" since she is always right...
Why was the cat in the bag in the first place?
"Friendzoned" should be a relationship status on Facebook.
Have you ever had a fly or small bug land on your computer screen and your first reaction is to try and scare it with the cursor?
That moment when you pour yourself a bowl of cereal and discover there`s no milk. So you just sit there, wondering why bad things happen to good people?
When everything else fails... you always have delusion.
I’m moving to Africa. Apparently there I can eat for 12 cents a day.
Facebook should have an "I`ve seen enough" button.
I just made an emergency survival kit. You know, for emergencies. It looks like all my other kits, but don`t be fooled; this one is red and has more liquor.
Sometimes all you need is a hug or someone to tell you everything will be ok, or some rough sex or whatever...
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
"Because it would be hilarious,"... is probably not a good reason to elect someone to be president.