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Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
Sometimes I think, "Screw this, I will just be a stripper." Then I remember I am fat and I can`t dance.
Don`t give me a sec, give me lots of secs.
Some of the best things in life...are mistakes.
Wouldn`t it be great to revive the old "Mutual Of Omaha`s Wild Kingdom" show, but with a new setting? Like a WalMart Store in Kentucky?
Let`s fix the obesity problem AND improve eye-hand coordination by replacing vending machines with claw machines, make people earn snacks.
There is nothing like sitting naked in a beanbag chair eating Cheetos. ...I sure hope they let me back in Walmart.
If you smoke after sex, you`re doing it to fast.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea...
I`m a very modest person, mostly because I`m awesome.
If you think you have problems, remember that Malaysian man who told his wife he was flying to China... and now he can`t get out of his girlfriend`s apartment...
Please help control the pet population, have that special talk with your pet!
Stop procrastinating. Join Hokey Pokey Anonymous today and turn that life around!
My mum`s so old fashioned she thinks LOL = Lots of love. She sent me an SMS saying just to let you know you`re Pa`s in hospital LOL.