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When your wife or girlfriend asks,"Do I look fat?" the ONLY correct response is, "Do I look stupid?
I wish I had Shazam for faces...
If I was a Jedi there is a 100% chance that I would use the Force inappropriately.
The perfect time for a snack is while you’re waiting for another snack to finish cooking.
I don`t have a drinking problem, I just celebrate everything! Like the fact that shirts have armholes, I`ll be celebrating that tonight.
the `real` me doesnt do facebook
They might as well put "Uhhh..." in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
I wonder if they let me grow cannabis on Farmville, I`ll be able to sell it on Mafia Wars?
I`m awkward when people compliment me. "Nice hair" "Thanks, I grew it myself"
Without the sanctity of marriage there wouldn`t be job security for divorce attorneys and marriage counselors.
You can tell by a woman`s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
My New Years Resolution is to be more positive and less sarcastic...I wonder how long this bull$hit fantasy will last.
The decline of civilization started when they stopped putting toys in boxes of cereal.
Now that I think about it... Facebook became popular ever since I made an account.
I`m so poor I went to the ducks today to beg for bread...