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The only way to open a pack of toilet paper is to fingerblast a hole through the plastic in one of the roll holes
There’s no excuse for my behavior, so I’m drinking until I have one.
I just want to buy an old Mercedes Benz,so people will think I have been rich for a long time.
The good thing about being 6' 6? is that if I develop a bald patch, no one will see it..Unless you’re using Google Earth.
when a girl says "whatever" what she really means "I hope you get shot, fall off a bridge, get raped by a shark, and then eaten by it
There are 2 kinds of people: 1) Happy morning people 2) Cranky morning people that fantasize about killing the happy morning people
If I dont clean my house soon. They are gonna bring in blindfolded people to do a Febreze commercial
Give a man a fish and he`ll go to McDonald`s instead. Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald`s
Behind every good selfie is approximately 47 nearly identical pictures that didn’t make the cut.
I will never forget the day when she said yes to me because that was the last time we agreed on anything.
Strange new trend at work. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Yesterday I ate a tuna sandwich named Jennifer.
I wonder if birds look at planes and think "man, I`ve really got to hit the gym"
Wouldn`t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for 10 mins and come out wrinkle free and 2 sizes smaller...
USB sounds like a backup in case the USA fails.
Ever noticed that `beer can` in a british accent sounds exactly like `bacon` in a jamaican accent?