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The worst part about being stoned at work is realizing it`s your day off.
A person who is bad at math should never take a calculated risk.
Exercise... the poor person`s plastic surgery
Drinking coffee in the afternoon is like eating the mushroom that makes you big in Super Mario.
It doesn´t matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There is clearly room for more alcohol.
I hate waiting in lines. I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.
Respect your elders. They made it through school without Google and Wikipedia.
When you`re tucking your kids in at night, read them a few select Facebook statuses, kiss them on the forehead and whisper "This is why we must stay in school."
The doctor said I need to drink more whiskey....Oh, by the way... I`m calling myself "the doctor" now.
This girl is ignoring me like a check engine light.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
"Iowa man arrested after fight over peanut butter and jelly sandwiches" - I`m just gonna assume this is 1 of you guys
I stopped watching the History Channel because it`s so outdated.
The only reason I offer to be the designated driver is so people will get used to seeing me load lifeless bodies into my car.
I pretty much spend all day, every day, just looking forward to going back to sleep.