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I just found out that checking your credit score actually LOWERS your credit rating. Seriously? That`s like every time you look in the mirror, you get a little bit uglier.
My eye problems starts on Mondays and ends on Friday evening. I see clearer after the fourth bottle.
People always get so excited about the next generation iPhone but no one has caught up with the awesome technology that`s called a Turn Signal.
It`s called PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
Don`t judge. Maybe I`m conducting a study of the effects of prolonged laziness on a human body. You don`t know.
Thou shall not promote Christmas until after Thanksgiving.
Pizza gal reads my order back to me and says,"You have one large thick sausage, anything else?" With a smirk I reply,"Yes, I`d also like to order a pizza."
Even though I`m a guy I still get nervous when I pee on a pregnancy test.
Hey, how long are you supposed to chase someone after they steal your wallet? Cause I`m getting tired of running and he`s catching up to me.
Just spent the last 30 minutes cutting a Batman mask off the back of a box of Honey Nut Cheerios & my kid thinks he`s gonna get to wear it.
After four karate lessons, I can now break a two-inch board with my cast
Husband for sale: 1972 model, white in colour, a bit hard on gas but comes with a spare tire.
Life hack: If you keep your mouth shut, no one will know you`re so stupid
If you still can read this, please inform me ASAP because I have probably blocked the wrong person!
If you think husbands aren`t good listeners, whisper "Come here, I`m naked" from anywhere in the house and see what happens.