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Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight. - The Swiss Army
When I was your age, we had to walk 10 miles in the snow to get drunk and have s€x.
The question isn’t who is going to let you; it’s who is going to stop you.
I bet Snowmen think it`s weird that the ground is completely covered in their skin.
No matter how bad your day seems, just remember that someone out there has to clean the bathroom at Taco Bell.
This might be my ego talking, but I feel my weight-loss spambot followers care about me. They really, really, do.
The trouble with bucket seats is that, not everybody has the same size bucket.
PRO TIP: If you see a woman crying, never ask if its because of her hair.
I should win an Oscar for acting like I`m busy at work.
Half the time spent on Facebook is likely spent by creeping people and /or staring at the screen waiting for something interesting to happen.
It’s always a special moment when you finally get to hear those three words you’ve been waiting for……. “Your order’s ready.”
I bought a book called `How to become an expert at Origami`. So far, I`ve made 1000 paper snowballs.
Just when you think someone couldn`t be any more annoying I test your theory.
ATM`s need to have breathalyzers.
I`d rather be someone`s shot of whiskey than everyone`s cup of tea.