Daily Silly Status

I’m beginning to believe that successful relationships come down to Netflix compatibility.

I don`t have mistletoe this year, so we`ll just have to kiss under the influence.

Thank God I still have 20 days to achieve my goal of "going to the gym in 2013."

It`s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your sh!t together, every other vegetable.

I have officially bought the first batch of Halloween candies that will not make it to Halloween.

Today is National I Don`t Feel Like Doing Sh!t Day. Celebrate accordingly.

You couldn`t handle me even if I came with instructions.

My wife told me: "Sex is better on vacation." That wasn`t a very nice postcard to receive.

I want to know what horrific ideas were rejected before they decided "Vagisil" was the best possible brand name?

What I lack in good decisions, I make up for in inappropriate behavior.

I only use the outdoors to get to another indoors.

Taxes are like a subscription to your country that you can`t cancel, no matter how bad the service gets.

How I sing it: "A, B, C, D, E, F, G,....H, I, J, K, A LEMON OH PEE!....Q, R, S....T, U, V....W, X....Y, and Z."

I’m the type of person who looks at the menu for five minutes but ends up ordering the same exact thing every time.

How do you expect kids to listen to their parents when Tarzan lives half naked, Cinderella comes home at midnight, Pinocchio lies all the time, Alladin is the king of thieves, Batman drives at 200 mph, Sleeping Beauty is lazy, and Snow White lives with 7 guys. We shouldn’t be surprised when they misbehave, they get it from their storybooks!