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My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" ...I sent it anyways.
there is a big difference between spray tanned and looking like you rolled in nacho chesse doritos.
Walked into the kitchen for orange juice; walk out with sandwich, crackers, chocolate milk, and the TV remote I lost 30 minutes ago
We have GPS that can navigate you across the country. Why can`t someone invent a device that can remind you why you went into a room?
Life gets expensive when you trust a cute woman.
"I`m glad the weekends over" -Nobody ever
You know its going to be a b!tch of a day when you put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
I think my problem is that I have really fantastic bad ideas…
I swear my toddler yells at me in Vietnamese
True love is biting a slice of pizza when you`re fully aware that it will burn the roof of your mouth.
I need a six month vacation Twice a year.
A week is just five days of wishing you had nothing to do followed by two days of wishing you had something to do
First Ebola case in USA , and the Walking Dead starts next week... brb gonna go buy a crossbow.
Procrastination: when "make a bucket list" is on your bucket list.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than "he sees how creepy u are, that`s why he doesn`t want to shake your hand".