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Technically it was Moses that had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I`m camping, I won`t be covered.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Why would you be scared to get Ebola? You haven`t left your couch since 2011.
Under no circumstances shall a call be made to another male after 2 a.m., unless its to get bailed out of jail.
You know you had a good night when your first call the next morning is from the bank making sure your card wasn’t stolen.
My friend told me he`s going to have a sex change. Apparently, he just wants to eat, drink, and be Mary.
Some days I feel about as useful as the pants in Donald Duck`s closet.
Magician: Now I will cut the woman in half. Me: Why turn one problem into two?
We are living in a generation where Vampires are sparkly,Werevolves are gay and Witches wear leather pants.
There`s only one kind of exercise I know and its the beer run.
Nothing says “friend zone” quite like a woman saying “you’re like a brother to me.” Unless you’re from Alabama.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Every time I go to the bank I ask if they are giving out any free samples.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I`d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.