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Going back to work after 12 days off is the best way to realize I should have married for money.
Finally 21 and now legally able to do things which i have been doing since 15….
You say peeping tom. I say highly active member of the neighborhood watch.
Recipes sound good until you realize that you don`t have $846 worth of spices in your house.
Just stepped outside, closed my eyes, took a deep breathe of fresh air, sipped a Dew. What a perfect morning, what could go wrong? Crap I forgot 2 put pants on!
Every cigarette you smoke takes 5 minutes off your student loan debt.
You know you`re getting old when speed limits start to seem reasonable to you.
I know money talks but I wish mine had a better vocabulary instead of just ‘Spend me’.
Farting isn`t ladylike? Well, neither is giving a blowjob, but I have never heard you complaining about that!
I liked you better before we met.
Alcohol doesn’t make you fat… it makes you Lean… on tables, chairs & random ugly people.
The only way I know if I`ve bought enough beer is if my car thinks I have a passenger
If he pauses a video game to text you, he`s probably already losing, no need to feel special or anything,
Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers, If you do find one, what`s your plan? ;)
"That girl is totally checking you out" said vodka. -Bfanch