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People say circumcision dosen`t hurt. I was circumcised when I was born and I couldn`t walk for nearly a year.
"If you can`t handle me at my worst, then you don`t deserve me at my best" literally translates to "I`m a loud, sloppy drunk."
I always say, "monring" instead of "good morning" because if it was a good morning, I`d still be in bed sleeping.
I wish there was an observation deck at WalMart.
Guess what`s brown and sticky... a stick.
When a porn actress is rude at a restaurant, there`s really nothing the staff can put in her food for revenge.
Dating should be like buying a car... You should get to talk to the previous owners! SHOW ME THE MANFAX
There are no problems which cannot be solved through suitable applications of high explosives.
Zombies only eat brains. You’re safe.
Video Game Logic: Everyone worse than me is my bitch and everyone better than me has no life.
The first guy who persuaded a blind guy to wear sunglasses, must have been a hell of a salesman.
No, I don`t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Someday, the time I waste deciding what to watch on Netflix will be shorter than the actual time watching it
You would think with all the ice water laying all over the world, it would be a lot cooler...
You know what`s wrong with winning a hundred thousand dollars? ... Not a damn thing!