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If I had a dollar for every girl that told me I was unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.
Just once I`d like to yell, "Don`t you know who I am?!" because I`m important, not because I`m drunk and actually forgot.
I just made 3 critical errors: 1. I woke up for work. 2. I went to work. 3. I arrived at work.
Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks, “why don’t you eat all the food?”
A sofa is a vacation for your a$$...
"I just launched a new fragrance!" - a great way to announce a fart
Drive-Thru Workers: The longer you make me wait in line, the more change will be used for my payment...
What happened to all the Sour Patch parents?
I overheard 2 girls say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
Tired of those Political Ads on television?...... You may be entitled to compensation.
When I`m older, I`m going to buy one of those Volkswagen Bugs. Only because I have a excuse to hit my wife every time we go somewhere.
"I knew that..." -Me, after every Jeopardy question.
Goodnight, good people - and nite nite to the naughty ones too!
Due to the economic crisis and ever increasing price of food, the 5 second drop rule has now been increased to 10.
For some reason I`m an extremely secretive person. Don`t ask me why