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At what point does the dentist stop giving you toothbrushes? Dude, I’m forty. I have one.
I`ve considered changing career paths and becoming a demolitions expert, but then I hear the education may cost me an arm and a leg.
Akward Moment Is When Your Twin Sister Calls You Ugly(:
I leave notes on people’s windshields telling them I smashed their car and did an amazing job fixing it.
Today`s Generation: "Omg my parents never let me have anything." via iPhone
Home sounds like a nice place, until they say they’re going to put you in one.
I`m getting worried about this Ebola virus. I mean, I`ve got Norton but...
When cleaning my house: 1% Cleaning 30% Complaining 69% Playing with stuffs that I just found
I just found a piece of pizza in my trash can. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN!! WHO WOULD DO SUCH A THING!!
Starting tomorrow: Whatever Life throws at me… I’m gonna duck so it hits someone else.
Who`s more foolish, a fool or the person who takes a fool`s advice?
You know why it`s called almond milk? Cuz you can`t say nut juice with a straight face
She’s thinking about having beer pong at her reception… that’s walking a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Sometimes I think "Screw this ... I`ll just be a stripper!"
I like people the most when I`m by myself.