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Lets face it we have all tried to get something done before the microwave timer goes off.
As a child, you dream of adventure, travel & success. As an adult, a lot of the time, you just hope the toilet flushes.
Not sure if my dog is barking for no reason or I’m about to be murdered.
Things that schools worry about Drugs 1% Graduating 1% drop outs 1% the inportance of using a number 2 pencil on standardized tests 97%
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
The awkward moment when you set something down for a second and it disappears off the face of the earth.
It`s a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships.
If your talking behind my back then guess what? Your in a pretty good position to kiss my a$$!!!!
Two heads aren`t better than one if you`re both stupid.
Cleavage is like the sun. You can look, but don’t stare.. Unless you’re wearing sunglasses.
Why do they even offer 2014 as an option when selecting your birth date? Like you’re fresh out of the womb ready to join Gmail.
On a scale from 0 to insane I`m batman
God is pretty creative. I mean, look at me.
Today we salute Vodka~ruining family reunions and supporting hilarious `hold my drink` moments for 50 years...