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I would like to think that I`ll die heroic death saving someone`s life but it`s more likely I`ll trip over my shoelaces and choke on a spoonful of Nutella.
I`m pretty sure all dogs can smell drugs. It`s just that most of them aren`t snitches.
It`s Monday. I`m refreshed and ready to hate my Job
Thank God! the women with 3 boobs was a hoax... I just couldn`t wrap my hands around it....
Mother mosquito: Hey kiddo, how was your first flight? kid mosquito: Great mom! Everyone was clapping for me.
Life lesson: you never have to feel ashamed of anything you buy as long as you buy a birthday card at the same time
Don`t be part of the problem. Be the ENTIRE problem.
I`m giving up abbreviations for Lent. Laugh Out Loud
I broke my finger today. But on the other hand I`m fine.
I just ate Pasta and Anti-Pasta, but they annihilated each other, now I am hungry again.......
It`s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
I need to hire someone who will follow me around and just knock the unhealthy food out of my hand.
It`s really cold out there folks. If you`re heading to Wal-Mart, please wear two pairs of pajamas.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at McDonalds... Not funny, grow up.
Shoplifting is just undocumented shopping.