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Son to mom: why should I sweep the floor? Mom to son: do you want to be an Olympic Curl champion?
Refusing to go to the gym counts as resistance training, right?
I always shout "PIZZA`S HERE" so the delivery guy doesn`t think I`m eating two pizzas by myself.
The scariest US president was Rushmore, because he had 4 heads
I don`t always say `oops`, but when I do, it`s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Things that make women emotional- 1) sad movies 2) love stories 3) anything 4) everything
Note to Self: In future interviews, don`t say "Safe in your strong arms" when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
People who make really bad decisions are always like "I have the worst luck"
I`m old enough to remember when apparently the worst thing life could hand you was lemons.
eHarmony has a 24 month plan. How ugly do you have to be to need 2 years to find someone?
It`s always so awkward ending phone calls with loved ones, I always say "I love you" and they`re like, "thank you for choosing domino`s"
My favorite mythical creature is the happy b*tch in tampon commercials.
Defies physics: I eat half a pound of food, `purge` 1 pound of it, and then gain five pounds because of it-- WTF?
According to my current parking spot I`m a physician.
The fastest way to being happy is to make other people happy. You go first.