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Bored? Update your Facebook to “in a relationship” with someone you’ve never met just to see if they’ll confirm.
The reason Rump Roast is called Rump Roast is because nobody would eat it if it was called Cow A$$
My first mistake was thinking she couldn`t hit a moving target.
We live in a world in where it is easier to get out of a marriage than a mobile-phone contract
Those friends who like and at the same time unlike my statuses please you`re increasing my blood pressure!
I should`ve married myself. I`ve never said no to sex. Not once. Not one single time ever.
It`s not the torch she carries for me that has me worried, it`s the gas can in her other hand.
I`m really good at making poor decisions. You`re my favorite so far.
If your wife has 2 phones, save both numbers under one name : “Wife” Never save them as "Wife1" and “Wife2" ~ a husband from the hospital
When people say things like "You can`t change the past" I can`t help but wonder what it must be like to have that brilliant of a mind.
When I get a prescription for drugs, I don`t ask, `Will it work? Are there any side effects?` No, it`s `Can I drink with these?`
Ladies, don`t date him just because his dad has a yacht. Date the dad.
My dad use to take me to the circus to see the clowns, freakshows and the bearded lady. Now... I can see them anytime shopping at Walmart.
If I get a million likes on Facebook......not a damn thing will change.
Yesterday I saw something that reminded me of you. I almost stepped in it!