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I worry about people who write "taken" in their bios. Where did they go? Who took them? Why aren`t we helping to find them?
Everything happens for a reason. That`s why I drink to everything!
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn`t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
In my defense, I was left un-supervised...
I was bored of doing the same thing day in and day out,so I phoned the "Local Ramblers Club"....but the guy on the other end of the phone just went on and on and on!
I failed the emergency broadcast test. My apologies to all the employees I shoved to the ground while screaming
Shout out to sidewalks. Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
I think today I`m going to cut off the sleeves of my snuggie and walk around the neighborhood pretending I`m in a Clint Eastwood western movie.
When people say, "You look familiar," i like to reply with, "Do you watch porn?"
I haven`t been this disappointed since I first saw a real hedgehog and it wasn`t blue.
Why can`t Miss Piggy count to 100? Cuz` when she gets to 69, she gets a frog in her throat!
Do you ever start writing a status and half way through you’re just like… nah
I`m absolutely nailing this "I give a sh!t" face today!
I always read my girlfriend’s horoscope to see what kind of day I`m going to have.
The last breasts I touched belonged to a dead chicken.