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If you`re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
She asked me to make her feel special so I gave her a helmet and crayons.
I make a great second impression.
I want my tombstone to say "It didn`t make me stronger."
If you`re in a hole, stop digging...
My iPhone has 2 million times the storage of the 1969 Apollo 11 spacecraft computer. They went to the moon. I text a lot.
Every time I visit my parents, I send the kids in first so they can signal me if it`s an intervention.
It’s funny how “You’re so funny” turns into “You think everything’s a f*cking joke” in just 3 months…
Some of the best memories I have are of times right before the cops showed up.
On a scale from 0 to insane I`m batman
I am really glad the shutdown is over. I`ll tell you something, it was very lonely being the only nonessential employee who was working.
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets!
I feel like we really lowered our expectations of what constitutes magic when we began using it to describe markers
The awkward moment when someone say "I gotta use the restroom.... Never mind."
When I`m bored, I send a text to a random number saying, " I hid the body, now what?"