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I`m "oh my god, gag me with a spoon" years old.
BEST PICK UP LINE: You would probably sleep better tonight if we had sex.
Do people smoke e-cigarettes after sexting?
Wine doesn`t have many vitamins. That`s why you have to drink a lot of it.
My greatest achievement today was writing this status.
Good news I passed my drug test today. But now my drug dealer has some explaining to do.
Would stiff nipples be a good name for my air conditioning company?
Theme parks can snap a clear picture of you on a rollercoaster at 70mph, but bank cameras can`t get a clear shot of a robber standing still.
If you get excited that jumping on the bed won`t spill the wineglass on the other side, you`re probably an alcoholic.
Admit it. When you go to the zoo, the first thing you look at is the Camel`s foot.
I`ll see your fun outdoor activity and raise you a nap.
After a year in therapy my psychiatrist said to me " maybe life isn`t for everyone"
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you`re doing it.
If you think this week was a drag, wait till you see what happens next week!
Whoever named anteaters, solid effort right there.