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Somedays I could do without the life lesson
If they just built prisons out of the sh!t they package electronics in, no one could ever escape.
You and I are just different. And by different I mean you`re stupid.
If I throw a stick will you leave?
If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I’m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
Breaking News: I took a bath today
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Rabbits jump and they live for 8 years. Dogs run and they live for 15 years. Turtles do nothing and they live for 150 years. Lesson learned.
Checked my bank balance at the ATM and was happy to see I had 707 dollars in it until I realized I was holding the receipt upside down and it said LOL instead.
Whenever I give money to the homeless, I get yelled at that "they are just gonna buy booze with it". All I can think is ... Oh like I wasn`t ..
Black, white, gay, straight, Christian, Jewish... It doesn`t matter. It`s all good. But a Pepsi drinker...
This is how my week goes: Mooooooooooooonday Tuuuuuuuuuuuuesday Weeeeeeeeeeednesday Thuuuuuuuuuuursday FridaySaturdaySunday.
Getting old sucks. I use to wake up feeling like a million bucks. Now I feel more like a bounced check.
Talking bout planets with my 8 yr old. He asked if you can just plow thru Uranus because it`s all gas. I cannot respond maturely.
When your Dr. says "I`ll need to Google that"..... it`s time to change Doctors