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If someone says you used too much butter or cheese on something, stop talking to them. You don`t need that kind of negativity
Apparently there`s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
why are the foods you want eat late at night in loud crackling wrappers?
I feel like dinner parties are secretly competitions about who watches the most news and documentaries
My fridge is just hospice for vegetables.
I was planning to do something today, but I haven’t finished doing nothing from yesterday.
I`ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
I have reliable inside information about Apple`s next product. I will not be able to afford it.
As far as Im concerned, you are not my concern.
It’s like I was put on this earth so unstable people have somebody to date.
I`m going to invent a cleaning product that kills .1% of all germs and bacteria. It doesn`t sound very effective, but I`m going to get it placed right next to all the other cleaning products that kill 99.9% of all germs and bacteria.
Admit it, we all have that special someone we`d visit if given a tank to drive for a day
Your shirt might say UFC but your body says KFC
Our swear jar is always empty because of all the god damn foul mouthed thieves that live in this f*cking house.
Is it just me, or would those movies had been far scarier if they were titled "Monday the 13th"