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He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Just found out that I’m 53 Cheetos tall.
I was just awarded the first place trophy for laziness. All I need now is for someone to accept it on my behalf.
I was enjoying our conversation, but then I stopped talking and the whole thing got really boring.
Yes I am a bad boy ... But your the one that`s going to get spanked.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie in the apocalypse is all the walking.
Those who stir the sh!t pot should have to lick the spoon.
I`m not "rich" ... But, actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you`re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
I’m glad people can’t see how I have them saved in my phone. Contact names like, “Don’t Answer” and “Douchebag” and “Owes me $100".
People often say laughter is the best medicine, but they neglect to mention that an overdose can cause one’s ass to fall off.
Dear Fork, I understand that we haven`t spoken since I ran away with dish, but I thought you should know that you have a son. His name is Spork. He has your hair. Sincerely, Spoon
I`d take a stupid dog over a stupid person any day.
I finally saw Kung Fu Panda. I`m certainly not an expert, but I thought the nunchuck scene looked kind of fake.
I`m not giving the kids a time out. I`m giving myself one. The thought of sitting in a corner & being ignored sounds just heavenly.
Tonight I`m playing hard to get off the sofa.