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No matter what the product, a good way to throw off an aggressive salesman is to interrupt him and ask, “Yes, but does it work on cats?”
Can someone else be a sex symbol today? ... My good T-shirt is still in the wash...
A garbage disposal is just a device for finishing off all the food no one else in the house will eat.
I wish I had a dollar for every dollar I don`t have.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
If you can’t afford to go on vacation, you can always drink until you don’t know where you are!
The most important part of being on a gluten free diet is telling everyone about it.
Just wrote ‘You have no new messages’ on a piece of paper, put it in a bottle and threw it far out to sea.
Every new day means new opportunities... to make mistakes and f*ck things up.
I`d like to change and get comfy, yet that requires effort. Ever feel this lazy?
The difference between your house smelling like delicious popcorn or burnt a$$ is around 24 seconds ..
What ? Who ? Exactly my point. Now move along and go read something else. Nosey !!
You are like that one crazy wheel on a grocery cart.
My wife looks super hot without glasses. That’s why I stopped wearing them.
I like to read magazines about parenting. That way, I can learn all the things my parents did wrong and I can go back to them and say "See? This is the reason I am like I am."