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Being an adult is mainly drinking coffee and pretending to be productive.
ME: “We have a problem, the liquor store is closed.” HER: “That`s ok, I don’t drink.” ME: “Ok we have two problems.”
The only dates I get are updates.
Congratulations! I`ve finally snapped, and you`re first on my list!
I just became a professional Counterfeiter, I even have the certificates to prove it.
Don`t ask me stupid questions and I won`t hurt your stupid feelings.
Pokémon means a totally different thing if your stuck in a Jamaican prison.
No matter what happens this month, at least you’re not a turkey.
I`m an optimist. To me, the glass is always half alcohol.
When I`m on my deathbed, I`m definitely going to ask if I can be moved to a different bed.
Facebook should just change it`s name to "People You May Want to Avoid."
Orion`s Belt is a huge waist of space.
My friend told me he`s going to have a sex change. Apparently, he just wants to eat, drink, and be Mary.
If you catch a homeless couple having sex is it rude to tell them to "get a room"?
If you weren`t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn`t package them in rows of 15.