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Three decades of playing Tetris have apparently not improved our nation`s ability to stow overhead luggage.
Fun thing to do: Go to a parking lot and put sticky notes on peoples cars saying "sorry for the damage" and watch them look for it
When I say "It’s a long story" It usually means I just don’t want to tell you it.
I didn`t get your text (phrase) - I got your text, I was just too lazy to respond.
Apparently a new study shows that unattractive men make better mates. Nice try, ugly scientists.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
A fun part of your 40s is waking up thinking you`re hungover, and then remembering, nope, this is just how my body feels now.
If you think my status updates are ridiculous you should see my life choices
I’m pretty sure I could start a new life with only the crap in my car.
The key to a long relationship: Keep the fights clean and the sex dirty.
I ordered a new GPS unit, but it got lost in the mail.
The human body is amazing... You breathe in oxygen and it converts it into sarcasm.
They`ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that`s been open for more than 2 years.
No man has ever won a game of `notice anything different about me?`
I wasn´t born with enough middle fingers to show you how I feel