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I’ve made some mistakes I wish I could make again.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it`s there to stab potential taco thieves.
I love it when the person’s laugh is funnier than the actual joke.
Dear whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office – I will track you down. You have my Word.
Do you think that the guy that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?
I don`t really like the idea that James Franco might be in my grandkids` history textbooks.
How does one get suspended with full pay and benefits? Asking for a friend who is actually me.
Fruit cocktail is the most disappointing of all the cocktails.
I thought we were both kidding when we made plans for me to watch your kid.
Of course size matters. No one wants a small pizza.
I`m currently writing a book about my love of dogs and gardening. It`s called b*tches and hoes
I saw my ex girlfriend broken down with two flat tires this morning which made me late for work... Nine times I drove past before she noticed me laughing at her.
I can’t tell if I’m hungry, but better eat just in case.
Today`s the day I like to sneak onto the intercom at Walmart and say "would Jason Voorhees please report to aisle 13."
Tip of the day: Don`t be a douche!