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Yesterday I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book. Not only was it embarrassing, but it cost a fortune in stamps.
Be the reason someone smiles today. Or the reason they drink. You choose your own adventure.
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
Why do medications always have side effects like `anal leakage` & `suicidal thoughts`? Why not `invisibility` or `spontaneous orgasms`?
Chaos, panic, & disorder ā my work here is done.
When I bust a move , it stays busted.
You`re not laughing out loud. You know it and I know it
That awkward moment when you tell your parents something funny, but it turns into a life lesson.
I don`t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we`re both pointing at the same tornado.
Always forgive your enemies. Nothing aggravates them so much. But if you really want to piss them off tell them you will pray for their souls.
Iād drink a lot less alcohol if a lot less alcohol got me drunk.
Like if you remember the correlation between a pencil and a cassette tape ...
On a scale from 1 to 10 how likely is it that your dumbass will say 11?
I just saw the neighbor`s kid trying to spray whipped cream on his cat. I`m thinking he overheard something last night in that house he wasn`t supposed to.
My chemistry teacher asked us what the heaviest metal was today. Apparently "Megadeath" was the wrong answer.