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When I was young I dreamed of saving the world, now I just dream of making through each month.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo
At a four way stop, it`s obvious that the vehicle bearing the most duct tape goes first.
Hiding from people at parties is my cardio.
So I was looking at my boyfriends facebook page and saw a ton of girls saying they love him. He`s obviously cheating on me. We are so over Zac Efron.
You`re never too old to throw random sh*t in people`s shopping carts when they aren`t looking.
Sometimes giving someone a second chance is like giving them an extra bullet for their gun because they missed the first time.
Guy test! find the nearest guy by you and repeat to him the following slowly: Door knob, Titanic, Gluestick, Kiwi, Opra Winfey, Shovel, Boobs, Remote, Battery, Furby, Glowstick, Beer, & Xbox. NOW ask him what he remembers before "Boobs"
It`s that time of the evening where my beer bottle has magically turned into a microphone again.
A man is as faithful as his options
I was wondering why my doctor gave me LSD for my constipation, then I saw a dragon and crapped myself.
Humpty Dumpty was pushed I tell ya. PUSHED!!!!!!
Just sneezed 8 times in a row and saw the entrance to Narnia for a split second.
When life gives you lemons....throw them back and yell, "I wanted cookies!"
My last boyfriend used to smile and say "I love you" to me every morning as he left for work. At least I think that`s what he was saying. It can be tricky to lip read through binoculars.