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I’m not drunk, I’m just exhausted from drinking all night.
The symptoms of Ebola are sweating, weakness, diarrhoea and stomach pains. Kind of like when I see my wife going thru my phone.
There aren’t enough days in the weekend.
Sorry, I`m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk... You go that way.
I put my phone on Airplane Mode and now I can`t find it...
I was shocked when I heard the local Radio Shack is closing. Mostly because I had no idea we had one.
That`s a lot of selfies for someone that claims to be emotionally stable
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it`s the scientists that aren`t washing their hands?
hearing that Jesus loves you is very nice unless you`re in a Mexican prison
I can`t help but feel important when someone says there`s a special place in hell for people like me.
Does the Lego movie come with a disclaimer "Some assembly required"?
If Monday was a movie, it would be very long and boring.
While it was raining today, I thought for fun I would run out there and scream "I`m melting I`m melting!"
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats. It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.