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Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Note to self: When sending Valentines messages don`t use group text next year.
Just burned 2000 calories. That`s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I take a nap.
Eventually we’re just gonna have to accept “ducking” is a swear word.
It`s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your sh!t together, every other vegetable.
Just seen a homeless dude with a sign that said “too ugly to prostitute”
Another tragedy today in the music industry.....Justin Beiber was just found alive in his apartment. :(
It turns out if you cry at the DMV they`ll let you take a second photo
To the person who stole my antidepressants..I hope you`re happy now!!!
Guys say that women should come with instructions, but what`s the point. Have you ever seen a man read instructions?
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others. The rest of us have to be the others.
Here`s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with. -management
I guess I need to buy some new drink coasters because I finally ran out of AOL free trial CDs.
Thinking " What would happen if the whole world farted at once and a person lit a lighter?"
Looks like you have a lot on your mind. Do you wanna drink about it?