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Girls are like guitars: easy to strum, hard to tune
To clear a pop-up ad online, I was just forced to agree that "I don`t care about being healthy and smelling clean."
Dont judge a person by the color of their skin or by the content of their character but by the shape of their eyebrows
I spend the first half of work fantasizing about all the different places I could go for lunch.
If you didn`t want to be hit with a shovel then you never should have started telling me about your problems.
Finally got my sh!t together... Now if I can just remember where I put it
Don’t let anyone push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon because that might actually be fun.
I`m 0-9 on finding secret rooms behind bookcases.
I never run with scissors…those last two words were unnecessary.
Ladies, stop looking for a guy to sweep you off your feet. Sweeping is your job
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says "I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there"
When you introduce clapping to your dancing you might probably be too old to be in a night club at 1am.
I`ll be busy tonight taking my girlfriend out to dinner and then having sex all night. Is what I`d be saying if I had money ... or a girlfriend
No matter what I get, it’s impossible not to sound like a douche when saying my order at Starbucks.
Leave a comment if you`ve started drinking. Hit the `Like` button if you`re already sh!tfaced. *Cheers*