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Having a contest with my couch and my washing machine to see who has more money. So far I`m in 3rd.
You cant ask "What do you mean by that?" without sounding pissed off
I don`t try to annoy people; its just a gift.
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk. Ducks don’t talk.
I wonder if dogs ever wake up in the morning and think "dear god please don`t take me jogging with you today"?
If anyone ever tells you your dreams are silly, remember there`s a millionaire walking around that invented the pool noodle.
I was gonna call you... but I`m still sober.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn`t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It`s causing quite a stir...
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don`t use words like "East."
Magician: Now I will cut the woman in half. Me: Why turn one problem into two?
I`d care more about your feelings if they came with a toy and chicken nuggets.
Some people pass through our lives just to teach us not to be like them.
You would think a popular place like the Krusty Krab would have more than two employees.
You´re just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!
The Drug Store cashier asked me how im doing as I put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. "Not great man, I`ve got diarrhea" I told him.