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One trenta cheeseburger please.
If I was a mortician I`d tie the shoe laces of dead people together, so if there ever was a zombie apocalypse it would be hilarious.
Your eyes are so beautiful. If you look deep enough i can see my own reflection...
When your life flashes before your eyes does that include the black outs? That`d be cool. Like your life but with never before seen footage.
I live in fear that one day the real "World`s Greatest Dad" is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
I don`t know, guys. The whole "play dead when a bear attacks" thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with...
Sex ed class should be listening to a baby cry for 5 hours while watching the same cartoon on repeat.
It is literally impossible to prove that Harry Potter wasn`t just in his parents basement on acid the whole time
I`m having one of those days where my middle finger is answering all my questions...
I love everybody. Some I love to be around. Some I love to avoid. And some I’d love to punch them in the face.
PRO TIP: If you see a woman crying, never ask if its because of her hair.
Although no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.
My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting "LOL" on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Today I caught myself smiling… I was thinking of you… Don’t flatter yourself though, it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.