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Let me be clear, I don`t want to die alone. However I want to be left completely alone until that moment
If I ran the country, things would be a lot better. Well…for me anyway.
Things I`ve learned: There`s no cool way to chase after a bouncing ping-pong ball.
If I had a time machine, I would just keep going back to bed.
There are dozens of different flavors of ramen noodles, but they all taste like poverty and loneliness.
Marriage is something you should pay for and divorce should be free. You might think twice before buying into it.
There’s a thin line between “I should do a status update about that” and “I should talk to a therapist about that”
Is everything expensive or am I just poor?
Why do they call it "hiring a hitman" and not "ordering takeout"
We`re up to Fast n Furious #6. Shouldn`t they just create a weekly TV series?
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Can I tell you how terribly grateful I am that no one had cell phones, iPads or digital cameras when I had to squaredance in P.E.
“I’m not washing it, I’m just gonna shove it in a pony.” If you’re a girl, that sentence is actually ok.
Me and my cat have been staring at each other for so long I forgot which one of us is stoned.
You`re right. I don`t have a clue. I`ve never had a clue. It`s part of my charm and it seems to be working for me.