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I don’t think it’s a coincidence that morning and mourning sound the same.
I`ve gotten to that age where nothing fits right anymore. Even my birthday suit looks like it needs ironing...
People that say “money doesn’t buy happiness” obviously have never been divorced.
You can`t find happiness at the bottom of a beer ... Well no kidding, who is happy when their beer runs out.
I smoked weed once and realized spoons are just little bowls on sticks
I propose a toast to the booze for making life seem tolerable.
I took out an ad for a girlfriend recently and 10 guys tried to give me theirs.
"She really does suck!" could be a complement in the porn industry
Make your day more fun by going up to a stranger and asking "Hey, how have you been since the amnesia?"
I will be responsible for my actions when my actions become more responsible.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Today is National Fritters Day. I don`t know what that means, so I just went naked today. Gotta be something like that.
I am having one of those days where my middle finger answers every question.
Spent 40 minutes on the treadmill this morning. Next time I might turn it on.
Admit it: you have all tried to rap in the shower..