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Girls become instant best friends when they find out they hate the same people.
My wife is pissed at me again. Apparently I`m breathing wrong.
Life would be so much better if there were piñatas strategically placed throughout my day.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the people I can not change.
Do you ever go on youtube just to watch a music video then 5 hours later you find yourself watching a tutorial on how to talk to a giraffe?
Every novel is a mystery novel if you never finish it.
Facebook.. reminds me a lot of high school. Full of alcohol, drugs, jealousy, sexual frustration and a bunch of boobs I`ll never get to touch.
Every have one of those moments where you look at yourself in the mirror and think "Damn if I weren`t me, I`d totally hit that."
Not to brag, but I’m pretty good in bed. I don’t snore or steal covers, and I only pee if something startles me.
If at first you don`t succeed...Do it the way your wife told you to. ;)
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
If we’re not supposed to eat late, then why is there a light in the fridge?
I`m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Im switching some friends from my Facebook account to my Fakebook account.
If you never jumped from sofa to sofa as a kid to avoid the lava, then you missed out on childhood.