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If you got up this morning and ran straight to fb i am 100% POSITIVE its because you missed me.
Please either stop being so attractive or make out with me, it`s your choice.
it`s not that I`m bad at remembering names, I`m just awesome at forgetting them.
Quite honestly, Officer, I wouldn`t have even pulled over had I known all you were going to do was criticize my driving.
If at first you don`t succeed ... I just lie and say I did.
The more neighbors I spy on through my binoculars, the creepier I think all my neighbors are!
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk. Ducks don’t talk.
Am I supposed to bring condoms to a speed dating event? How fast do these things actually go?
My dad always used to say, "The sky`s the limit!" Which is probably why he got fired from his job at NASA.
Plot twist: name your pets after passwords.
Just bought two donuts without sprinkles...Diets are hard!
My house is not messy. Those are just obstacles I`ve put in place for burglars.
Some young men are like bottles of wine. They need to be tended to carefully & given time to mature; which is why I keep a few in my cellar.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you`d be back. I seem to have that effect on people Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
My biggest problem is that I believe almost everything I tell myself.