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If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
If you’ve ever used Urban Dictionary to compose or decipher a text, congratulations, you`re over 40.
That awkward moment when your sarcasm is so advanced people think you`re stupid.
If you put root beer in a square cup, do you get beer?……………………. (you smart people grinned didn’t you.)
My friends are the kind that would flirt with the fireman while my house was burning down.
The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven`t seen for half an hour.
Running feels great unless you compare it to not running
How many divorced guys does it take to change a lightbulb?...........Who cares, they NEVER get the house anyways
Eleventeen percent of the population makes up words.
If you have just started playing flappy bird I would like to warn you there is nothing up ahead but more dangling pipes and disappointment
I`m only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand
Good friends don’t let you do dumb things… alone.
When setting the table, does the remote go to the left or the right of the dinner plate?
Ok a$$hole, just go around me. I`m already doing 30 over the limit, I`m not speeding up. Stupid car with your stupid flashing lights
Don`t understand how people in depression commercials can be sad with how attractive they are.