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Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous ... You`re practically begging for typos.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight like hell when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
NO, I didn`t say you WERE stupid. I said, you ARE stupid. There is nothing past tense about it.
If a woman asks if she looks fat, it’s not enough to say “no.” You must also act very surprised by the question. Jump backwards if necessary
Hey, does anyone know which side you`re supposed to wear your fanny pack on? I want to really nail this job interview tomorrow.
To do list- (1). Go to pet store. (2). Buy bird seeds. (3). Ask how long it will take for the birds to grow. (4). Wait for the reaction.
I don`t use my cell phone in the car... I have to keep my hands free for making gestures.
I hope I’m the last guy on earth — I wanna see if all those women were lying to me.
Is it bad when I’m talking to myself and I’m not even listening?
Sitting out in my front yard pointing a hair dryer at speeding cars to see if any slow down.
It’s so nice outside I should probably close the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen.
Just got rid of 150lbs of ugly fat ... Got divorced.
I only have one word for women who look at me like I’m some kind of sex object ... Hi.
When someone tells you they`re playing a STD game... But you later realise they were talking about Spot The Difference.