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When I`m home alone, every noise I hear is a serial killer
My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. Iām flattered.
That weird moment when u just say "what`s up " to someone and they thing you`re a shrink.
I either get what I want or I change my mind!
The right man will love you unconditionally, will be loyal, and will always be happy to see you. ... Oh wait, That`s my dog. My dog does that.
Just told my dog "Don`t walk in your own poop" and it strikes me as good advice to pass on to the rest of you as well. Please: don`t.
Video Game Logic: Everyone worse than me is my bitch and everyone better than me has no life.
Just spent the last 30 minutes cutting a Batman mask off the back of a box of Honey Nut Cheerios & my kid thinks he`s gonna get to wear it.
I just found a piece of pizza in my trash can. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN!! WHO WOULD DO SUCH A THING!!
North Korea no!, really, go home! now you are really drunk!
Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake a whole relationship.
I don`t trust stairs. They always look like they`re up to something.
If you want to call a family meeting just turn off the wifi router and wait in the room in which it is located
I`m at the age where if someone says "Go big or go home," I`m usually fine with going home.
I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food. :)