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I haven`t been drinking. I know what day it is. I didn`t lose my pants. This might be my car. I know how to drive. -Lies I`ve told to cops.
If everything tastes like us, why do we have to die? –Chickens
There`s an emoji for eggplants but not for popcorn and this is why trusting people isn`t just hard, it`s impossible.
I have 500 friends and only 499 Birthday wishes on facebook! I`ll remember that when it`s YOUR birthday #405!!!
On average I spend $75 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
I really like my new electric toothbrush, even though sometimes, I still break out the acoustic.
If video games have taught me anything, it`s that you`ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss.
FUN FACT: I can fit 17 Pringles in my mouth. SAD FACT: I tried to figure out how many Pringles I could fit in my mouth.
I like to keep bartenders on their toes by making up drinks on the spot. "Yeah, I`ll take a Dirty Hammock."
Social media is great if you like socializing without wearing pants.
“The darndest things.” -kids
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
St Patricks Day, when you can eat lucky charms dowsed in beer and everyone thinks..great idea!
It`s not too late to start convincing our children that the world really did end in 2012 and we`re the survivors.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I`d go on a road trip with my mom.