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When`s it gonna be the 4th of July? I feel like blowin somethin` up and not gettin` arrested.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Ya, Wednesday sucks but… it could be Monday!
Remember that there’s always someone cooler, smarter, stronger or sexier than you. That would be me.
I just found handcuffs, a whip and a mask in my girlfriend’s bedroom. I can’t believe she’s a super hero.
Every now and then when I`m in a room alone I say out loud, "I know you`re listening". If I`m wrong, nobody knows. If I`m right, I just freaked the hell out of some guy.
The best thing about online classes is the beer.
Warning!! Today I will be coloring OUTSIDE the lines..
Love is a two way street but you have to be careful because women can’t drive.
Most days the best thing about my job is that my chair spins
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Marriage. Because your sh*tty day doesn`t have to end at work
She texted me: "your adorable." I replied: "no, YOU`RE adorable." Now she likes me, but all I did was point out her typo.
my stomach just growled and it sounded like it said... `Droid`....
That tenth doctor is a selfish idiot, he never recommends anything!