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You never know whats going on in your life until you’re f*cked up.
I`m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
I`m not feeling myself today ... would you do it for me?
One day when I was at the beach there was a guy in the ocean yelling, "Shark! Help!" And I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn`t going to help him.
Saw a chameleon today. So I guess it`s safe to say it was a pretty sh!tty chameleon.
If someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
I had a Dr. appointment this morning. He asked me how many beers I drink. I held out my hand and said this one is only my 4th, I`ll call you back later with the total.
Choosing A Career Is Like Chosing A Wife From 10 Girls. Even If You Pick The Most Beautiful, Intelligent, Kindest Woman, There`s Still Pain Of Losing The Other 9
If you have a mirror handy, kindly gaze into it and you will find your problem
Seems like you must have been pretty stupid to get caught for murder in the 1800s
Morning comes in 3 sizes: 1) Early. 2) Too early. 3) Way too early
Of all the things life has given to me... I would like to return 20 lbs.
It’s amazing what I’m able to get done when I need to do something else.
Why are you walking away when we`re in the middle of discussing our wedding plans? Come back! ... At least give me your number!
Twitter is proof that people should not be allowed to name themselves.