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Sometimes, you can just tell it`s gonna be a "does not play well with others" kind of day.
My idea of heaven consists of all of the things I`d go to hell for.
Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
I don`t like country music, but I don`t mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means `put down`.
Every time I hear the phrase, "Fire at will!", I can`t help but wonder, "What did Will do?!"
High fiving was the original "like".
L`oréal`s mascara makes your lashes 60% longer? Wow! They should make condoms.
You haven`t truly made it on YouTube until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
If watching the big-screen TV with your pants off and a bag of Doritos is wrong, then they shouldn`t have couches at this Best Buy.
I hate people who say "Age is just a number" — Age is clearly a word.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. "How`s it going?", "How about the weather?", "Where are your pants?".
My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember all the things I was suppose to do.
"Can`t touch this." ... "Can`t touch this." ... "Can`t touch this."--MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Life`s short ... Drink fast
If my grandmother were alive today, I`m pretty sure she`d still have her blinker on.