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I don`t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
My internet addiction is getting alt of ctl.
Vodka is the answer...but I can`t remember the question.
You know it`s a good night when you wake up with gum in your bellybutton.
"Why haven`t you been answering my pigeons?" -- Girlfriends in the 17th century probably
Hate is too powerful an emotion to waste on somebody you don`t even like.
LADIES: Not all men get into a relationship just for sex. Some just need a personal chef.
I`ll be drinking tell I see Leprechauns tonight.
Never scratch your a$$ with chocolate on your fingers.
Buying my wife a matching belt and bag for her birthday. We`ll have that vacuum cleaner working in no time.
Not all men cheat. Some of you women just assume you’re in a relationship with the guy.
I`ve been sober 136 days. Not in a row, but still...
Sidenote #2: Always have your middle finger ready on standby.
The best part of being single is that you always get to be right.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.