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If I work up the courage to tell you I love you...the least you can do is introduce yourself to me dammit.
I’ve probably wasted a solid year of my life just staring into the fridge.
If running on a treadmill was the only way to recharge our phones we would be the healthiest mofos on the planet.
I don’t have bumper stickers because I don’t believe in anything strongly enough to potentially get my car keyed.
PRO TIP: Date someone who doesn`t drink vodka so she won`t drink all of yours.
Is snaxting a thing? Texting each other pics of your snacks? Cause I feel like I’d be pretty good at that.
I puked in the backseat of my friend`s brand new Mustang in the Fall of 1989. There wasn`t any social networking back then, so I`m telling you all now...
If one teacher cannot teach every subject, then how come one student is expected to learn all the subjects.
If anyone ever tells you your dreams are silly, remember there’s some millionaire walking around who invented the Pool Noodle.
Remember when phones were stupid and people were smart? hmm...
is running out of excuses for the stupid things I do. Please submit suggestions below.
You should NEVER say and I mean NEVER say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she`s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at the moment.. :|
Relationship Tip for men: When a woman says, "Correct me if I`m wrong but...."Don`t do it!! It`s a trap!! DO NOT, I repeat, do not correct that woman!!!
"Based on a true story" means it happened more or less like this, but with ugly people.
I don`t fear death... It happens to everyone. I just hope when I am dead and buried, I don`t vote Democrat.