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I know I`m in trouble when the voice in my head starts using my middle name
“Let me rephrase this question so I can get pissed off at you all over again.” - WOMEN
Shout out to all the kids who could never find their name on souvenir keychains and license plates. That sh!t hurt.
I`m going to start carrying fireworks in my car because sometimes my horn just isn`t enough.
I used to have superpowers but the psychiatrist took them away.
If you don`t leave a buffet looking like someone told you bad news you didn`t get your money`s worth.
I`d be super embarrassed if people saw my google history but only because its all words I should really know how to spell by now
I`m about 0 for 300 in looking for safes behind wall paintings
I just found out my smoke detector comes with a warranty. WHAT FOR? If it don`t work, what`s left?
Just once, I`d like to clock out from work by sliding down a dinosaur.
I got a job at Bath and Body Works just so I can tell people to smell my finger...
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
If you mix vodka, orange juice and milk of magnesia... Do you get a Phillips screwdriver?
Are you really sorry or are you just Charlie Sheen sorry?
Just because nobody complains doesn`t mean all parachutes are perfect.