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I need a keyboard shortcut for "sorry it`s taken me so long to reply to your text..."
Most problems can be solved with nudity
If you’re gonna flip out on your Facebook, don’t delete it all the next day. Some of us still want to share your meltdown with our friends.
We can operate a robot on another planet, but yet I`m still struggling to get this vending machine to take my wrinkled dollar.
Gentlemen may not be extinct, but they are definitely endangered
I asked my mom for money and she said "Does it look like I am made of money?" I said "Well isn`t that what M.O.M stands for?"
Sociologists say that social media is creating the laziest generation ever. I expressed my opinion in great detail by hitting the “Like” button.
Come on. Let`s all go and be happy in front of some miserable people
I’m convinced that the employees of McDonalds were just customers who could pay and are working off their bills.
"There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU." Things I say to my kids when we`re in public.
Humpty Dumpty was pushed I tell ya. PUSHED!!!!!!
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown man child who can`t take care of himself.
If money grew on trees, Congress would actually care about the environment.
If a cop ever asks me to count from 100 backwards ...I just get in the back seat