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Who says nothing is impossible. I´ve been doing nothing for years.
It’s a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.
“Let me rephrase this question so I can get pissed off at you all over again.” - WOMEN
A pessimist thinks that all women are sluts. An optimist hopes that they are.
Spinning in circles to get dizzy as a child was my first attempt at getting high.
Mad respect to people who can stop eating when they`re full.
Halloween is the perfect time to redistribute those undesired condiment packets of ketchup, mustard, BBQ & soy sauce.
Coworker: What did you do this weekend? Me: Dug holes in the woods. And that is how you get people to shut up.
Upside to hurricanes... you might get a free boat delivered to your front yard.
If you get pulled over in a Smart Car for speeding, you should get a standing ovation, not a ticket.
Just a friendly reminder, there are a minimum of three spiders in your room at all times. Goodnight...
How do you spot a blind man at a nude beach? It`s not hard.
Roses are red, violets are blue, the boss snuck out early, so I left too.
Bananas are the strippers of the fruit world.
There’s no excuse for laziness.. but if you find one, let me know.