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How to win an argument. 1. Have a vagina. 2. That’s it. 3. You win. 4. Congratulations.
I can`t wait for the day when my kids are old enough that I can drink with them and not because of them.
If you live in a custom-built house that doesn’t have a secret room hidden behind a fake bookcase, then seriously what is the point?
Mom: "Why is everything on the floor?" Me: "Gravity, Mom."
Hey NSA, we all know you`re there now. So click the approve on my Candy Crush ticket request.
Always keep a note in your medicine cabinet that says, “I thought you were peeing?”
Sign: "No alcohol past this point." Translation: Bet you can`t chug this entire beer, right now.
Dear grumpy people: donuts are only $.99
“100 Calorie Packs” roughly translated means “Eat Two or Three of These”
There is literally no way of knowing how many chameleons are in your house.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Police officer: Ma`am do you know why I pulled you over? Me: I`m just as confused as you are.
If only someone on the internet would give me their opinion on the election.
Seen it all, done it all, can´t remember most of it.
I bet all those girls that ignored me in high school would still be pretty pleased with that decision.