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As a man, EVERY month is `Breast Awareness Month` for me.
The ceiling fan DOES NOT make a good lettuce shredder....
I`m gonna open a bar and name it Rehab.....
I didn’t give you the finger. You earned it.
Do you ever wish you had a second chance to meet someone again for the first time?
Anything I say or do before I`ve had my coffee doesn`t count.
Hey bill collectors, nice try, but I don`t even call back people I know.
Coffee: So I can do nothing with more energy.
It turns out that playing strip solitaire isn`t nearly as much fun as playing strip poker. Especially at work...
Frankly auto correct,I`m getting tired of your shirt.
My last request: At my funeral, someone come up at the end and padlock my coffin shut, just to freak everyone out.
You can always tell a lot about a woman the way she pours gasoline around your car.
Just another day of not being rich and famous.
The fact “gorilla” does not rhyme with “tortilla” infuriates me.
The awkward moment when you’ve already said “what?” three times and still have no idea what the person said, so you just agree.