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That logical moment when you`re watching Home Alone 2 wondering how child services haven`t taken him away from his parents yet.
Normal trees probably look at Christmas trees all dolled up and think .. "Whore"
Went to the bookstore to pick up a "Where`s Waldo" book today, but couldn`t find any. Well played Waldo, well played...
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Great. Trapped in an elevator with a dead body again. Well not exactly dead yet but he`s making noises with his gum
I`m considering buying a racehorse and naming it, "My Face". Just so I can hear everyone in the stands scream "Come on, My face!!"...
The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to piss you off.
I`m glad I know sign language. It`s pretty handy.
You can`t make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them & hope they panic & give in.
Coffee is just a hug for your insides.
I`ve been eating a lot of extra calories since daylight savings to make up for that hour of eating I missed.
So if a dentist makes money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should we trust a toothbrush that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?
Firemen, Astronauts, and Doctors are the only people who actually followed through on what they wanted to be when they grew up.
There is 1 mosquito in my apartment. I have 50 bullets. Let`s dance.
I don`t make enough money to go on vacation so I`m just going to get drunk this weekend until I don`t know where I am.