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That awkward moment when your sarcasm is so advanced people think you`re stupid.
A dog running a hundred miles to retrieve a stick? That`s pretty far-fetched.
The phrase “Don’t take this the wrong way.” has a zero percent success rate.
Is it ok to take a personal day if none of your pants fit? Asking for a friend.
Scientists have discovered that at least 50 percent of fat people’s BMI is made up of excuses...
Barbie has an awful lot of things for a girl who`s knees don`t bend.
I don`t get enough credit for not going on killing sprees.
I love arguing with you so much, I`ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
I can read your mind, your thinking about sex right now, no wait, wait.. that`s my mind, sorry, I can read my mind. . .
If pi is 3.14, then I think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
There should be a law requiring you to explain what gluten is before you’re allowed to complain about it.
Note to Self: Wearing headphones do not make my farts silent.
I just fell down the stairs holding a guitar and accidentally wrote a One Direction song.
4 out of 5 voices in my head think the other voice is a douche...
It takes about 2.9 seconds for me to go from “this is the best day ever” to “I want to stab every person on planet Earth.”