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I can´t wait until Weight Watchers comes out with a beer.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I`m 73.
You’d think with as much time women spend looking at their ass in the mirror, they would be able to reverse into a parking spot.
I think I will start calling my wife "My Customer" since she is always right...
I wish my personality allowed me to write deep and meaningful statuses sometimes, oh well. Titties!
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk. Ducks don’t talk.
Holidays, hotels and women. Three things that always look better online than in real life.
I found out last night that the only thing worse than waking up 3 times to pee is sleeping right through it.
I don`t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we`re both pointing at the same tornado.
I did not mean to hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I just figured you already knew.
Morning comes in 3 sizes: 1) Early. 2) Too early. 3) Way too early
Thanks to Netflix I can tell my doctor I`ve done a lot of "marathons"
If guns don’t kill people, but people kill people, then doesn’t that mean that toasters don’t toast toast, but instead toast toasts toast?
I`m feeling 22.. Pounds overweight.
If you knew how many trips to the bathroom every phone has taken, you’d never, ever, ever, ever, ever touch somebody else’s phone. Ever.